The Real Puerto Rico (not the touristy BS)

Kantares

An old beaten guitar in the sign… a flag from Puerto Rico…It can only mean one thing, you are in Kantares. The place where old washed up musicians come to die. Located in the Señorial area of Rio Piedras, next to Altamesa, which used to be the best drinking spot of the area and which I’ll review later.

Its got a nice wooden deck where you wont be able to get away from the bad music inside cause there is a super fucking loud speaker blasting the live music while you try to have a conversation. On top of that you’ve got 5 other conversations around you about what it means to be patriotic. The”too much barking and not enough biting” bullshit you hear over and over.

“The place where old washed up musicians come to die.” But unfortunately they don’t because people keep coming to listen to some 15 year old song, the only one they know. Here you will be surrounded with a bunch of people who payed $10 to catch those musicians and who call themselves patriotic and Puerto Rican because they just payed $10 to see a bad musician who also calls himself the same thing and who sings about being those things. It’s kinda like a circle jerk. You’ll also be paying for expensive beer at this place so beware.

One of the two good things about this bar is that it has a bar with alcochol. So you will have no problem getting drunk so you forget that you are here listening to a bunch of groupies above 30 singing the lyrics to the some song. As you can tell from the picture above, I was to drunk too take a good picture of the lovely bar. It will have to do because I’m not coming back to take another one, unless I’m strapped with dynamite.

The other good think about this place is this. FLAT IRON STYLERS. Whatever that means. But if you need one, go to the womens bathroom where for $2, less than a beer, you’ll be able to come out a new woman or man.  Hopefully, it will be fixed cause someone stole the styler. Glad to be back home.

Los Pibes del Sur

If you are ever around Rio Piedras and are in need of some cheap Argentenian food, come to Los Pibes del Sur. This romantic little spot will defenitely get your date started off well. Choose from $2 chicken pinchos with delicious chimichurri sauce or the mouth-watering empanadas for the same price. I came for those but when I got there the other day they had no oil so they couldn’t fry my empanadas. :( Out of oil? I’ve never heard that one before. We bathe ourselves in oil down here in Puerto Rico. But the pinchos went down my mouth like butter. They also serve churrasco.

This street is famous for its late night munch spots, meaing lots of drunk or stoned people. (I’ll review the others later) You can see another one in the back, but it’s closed. Competition is a motherfucker. I like this one cause of those orange things. They will alert the drunk driver that he can’t park on top of you as soon as he sees the bright orange. If you’re lucky he will hit them first and stop before he finishes your date on a sour note. The tables and chairs will make your remember the good time you just had during that Marketing class. It’s like you never stood up from class but instead were transported to Argentina.

If you are lucky there will be nobody eating and you cand pick where to sit. Which view do you prefer? Los Pibes is located right across one of the best universities in the island, so you’ll have plenty of meat to stare at while you down your piece of meat. We all know university equals hot young men and women. Sit back and enjoy. Be careful not to injure yourself while trying to get to the restaurant. Always look down while you walk.

When you are done eating, throw away your paper plates, napkins and cans or bottles in the trash can. If you didn’t have enough for tip you can at least help the servers out by walking to the back and throwing it out yourself. Make sure you separate the paper from plastic.

El Royal II

Right in the middle of magical Santurce lies El Royal II, walking distance from 2 of the best stripclubs in the island, Deja Vu and Frenchys. It’s 3:45AM and most bars will be closed. And you are not going to Old San Juan… it’s probably dead anyways. Stop by El Royal II which will be packed. Their sign says it all “Liquor sales, dominoes, and entertainment machines”

Packed with men over 40 trying to forget why they got married in the first place. Enjoy a game of dominoes with the locals. Or play by yourself, like the lonely guy on top who has been coming here every day to play the same game since the bar opened, in one of the 15 gambling machines that run from the front to the back along the wall. These are bad times, but fuck it! Lets waste our money on booze and gambling. There might be a game on the TV, but nobody seems to give a shit.

With a super nice fake wood bar, enjoy your alcoholic beverage of choice which will be served by 1 of 5 super hot Puerto Rican girls with meat on their bones. You’ll be salivating at the mouth and balls as she looks straight into your eyes and smiles a “if you give me enough money I’ll take you to the back and give you a nice handjob” type of smile with her cleavage coming straight at you like a train. Of course you gonna have another drink, you’re an old perv and she’s a young hottie who, as you can see above is double fisting while she works. Not only can you have your drink here, but you can also conveniently buy a whole bottle and drink yourself to sleep while driving back to your sad life.

Nobody seems to care about the sports game on the other TV cause there is a porno playing on the other screen where you might catch some actual double fisting.

Devoid of any type of art or decoration on the walls. They have only one on top of the wall. A nice frame from Wallgreens with all their permits elegantly placed inside. I dont remember the actual music playing at this spot… my guess is some good Bachata. But at 4AM who cares. Cheap booze, porn, gambling and 5 hot girls among a sea of men. Sounds like a good place to end your Satruday binge.

El Naza

El Naza. El Nazareno. If you are going to Old San Juan, you may wanna think twice about trying to find parking there, and come to this beautiful bar in Puerta Tierra. A classic hangout for us classy ones.

Completely filled with old pictures of Salsa greats past and present on every inch of every wall. You could spend hours going over them trying to think how awesome it would have been to be alive during the peak of the Salsa movement. Good music, sex without being afraid of an STDs, drugs, funky clothes and a lot of dancing. But tough luck… you where born and raised in the lackluster 1980’s listening to Stryper. This little window into the past will have to do. You like music? You like rumba? As you can see they are set up and ready to play till the morning.

The good thing about this bar and the other ones in Puerta Tierra is the good cheap booze and good music.  People come here to dance and party. Good time, good vibes, a good fucking night. You might hook up with one of the locals, but be careful not to get your ass kicked in the process.

The stage at El Naza is dedicated to Roberto Roena, one of the great salsa legends. Every year at the begining of December they close the street in front for 3 days and celebrate the yearly Rumba Festival. Today, Dec 6, 2009, Giovanni Hidalgo will grace the stage outside and play with his father.

The bathroom is decent. Personally, I like that the pretty yellow walls matches the color of the piss inside the toilet. It makes it more pleasing to the eye, not necessarily to the nose. YES! The toilet works. The last guy who came in is just another inconsiderate asshole. We have many of those over here. Go back outside, order another drink and dance your night away.

Check out some footage of the 1st festival here.

Starbucks - Plaza Olmedos

Somewhere in beautiful Rio Piedras lies this beautiful Starbucks coffee shop in the middle of Los Olmedos mall. With a design inspired by shoe boxes, you will feel the Caribbean Christmas spirit slap your face  as soon as you walk in to find not 1 but 4 Christmas trees.

With a beautifull open deck outside, you will be able to enjoy your hot coffee at the same time you enjoy the blistering oven-like heat of the island’s climate. Order a frappuccino and drink it in one minute before it turns into a Grande Mocha Piss with soy milk.

When you can take the heat anymore. Step inside to the cozy space where you can take out you Finance 103 textbook and pretend you are in a Friends episode and pretend that the crap that is actually coming out of your mouth, is not you puking the coffee, but interesting intellectual thoughts about life. But I don’t really wanna know about how your classmate is a slut because of the skirt she wore today. Or how you are pissed because your boyfriend still hasn’t proposed marrige even though you are only 22 years young. He did get you pregnant though…Motherfucker!

Sit down take a bite of your 6 dollar sandwich and take out your copy of “The Alchemist” and pretend that you are actually becoming a better individual.  After taking out your Dell laptop and Facebooking your boyfriend to see what he has been up to these past 3 days cause it’s kind of hard to spy and follow him for 3 days straight, you will definitely need some fresh air after reading that he actually became friends with that girl who wore the short skirt today and that he congratulated his ex because it was her birthday.

Yes. Breathe. Relax. He just said Happy Birthday. He’s not making booty calls yet. Or is he? Cheating bastard! Breathe. Breathe the fumes from the gas station. Breath the fumes coming out of that McDonalds. Breath out.

The best thing about this location is that it has a drive thru!!!! Yes… you can order you Tall Double Mocha Latte with almond syrup without having to stop your girlfriend from giving you a B.J.

Nelly,Landia

This charming “chinchorro” in Santurce is perfect for those you wanting to get your drink on…cheap. Its hard to pinpoint what exactly makes it a great hangout.

It could be that all you will ever need in case of a catastrophe or zombi attack or another plague, is found right behind the counter. Candy, booze, cleaning supplies, chips, more booze, nail clippers, gum, toothpaste, GERM X hand sanitazier…

It could be that under the counter you find…frozen angus cheeseburgers, BBQ ribs, butter for your bagels…you might be lucky and find a super cold Schaefer like the on the picture below.

For you music lovers. There is a great old juke box a wide variety of music for you to choose. As long as your defenition of variety is bachata, reggeaton, and salsa. The bachata selection is to die for by itself. If you don’t know what to put on the juke box, do not worry. There will always be a drunk vulture, like the one below, selecting the best tunes. Omega? You got it. Monchi y Alexandra? You got it. Wisin y Yandel? You got it. “Solamente una vez”? by the amazing Julio Iglesias. You bet your ass you can grab your partner and make out to this sexy song at Nelly,Landia. If you are not a sexual person, you can also pretend to play pool in the back while you creepily stare at the couples dancing and making out.

Yes you can play dominos and chat about how your boyfriend pays more attention to his decked out vespa than you or how he cheated on you with the town slut but you still love him eventhough he slapped you when you confronted him about it, like those two lovely ladies in the table in the picture below. But you can also dance to the tunes that the drunk lawyer just put on the jukebox.

You can also dance and drink outside. When you are tired just grab one of the many seats outside put your legs up and enjoy your drink until you get bothered again by one of the locals asking for a quarter so he/she can shoot up around the corner.

Last, if you need to take a piss. Do it inside the bathroom like a human being. Inside the toilet if possible. You don’t want to be like the past pee-ers and piss all around the toilet, sink, trash can, toilet paper, door and door knob. Its not nice. It doesn’t smell nice. But hey at least they have a bottle of Germ X wating for you on top of the bar counter right next to the bathroom door. Plus you can fit up to 5 people comfortably inside the bathroom if having your “candy” with big groups inside the bathroom is your type of thing.